Roasting Minnesota—Lakes, Lutherans and Little Pigs
Yes, Minnesotans are nice, particularly to other Minnesotans. So, if you move here, you better turn into one of them. It’s not easy though. This is a state with many lakes and even more Lutherans. So, if you happen to be an atheist who believes in the healing power of ocean walks, brace yourself. The last person who dared to make fun of by-the-lake Christians was run out of town to make room for the reign of righteousness. Today Lake Wobegon seems like ancient history and Garrison Keillor has become what George Orwell would call an unperson. Five years after Garrison’s erasure from Minnesota’s memory, I am still on the search for a substitute and recently entered Boyd Huppert’s Land of 10,000 Stories — clearly no country for (dirty) old men. With topics revolving around family, faith and farming, the endings are way too happy for me, and the Good Lord, inevitably, gets all the credit. I’d rather watch Progressive car insurance commercials. Their messaging is less predictable.
I have been to real lakes too, not just Lake Wobegon. The ones I tried reminded me of Yellowstone. I mean the TV drama, not the park. And specifically, a memorable scene where Kevin Costner shoos some foreign tourists off his gigantic property and informs them at gunpoint that “this is America and we don’t share land here.” To be clear, nobody has ever threatened me with a gun, but the bottom line is you can’t get to the damn water; there are too many lakefront mansions blocking the way. The freedom to roam or share land, which is a big thing in Scandinavia, must have fallen off the boat when immigrants from Norway sailed to America and settled in Minnesota. (The freedom to worship obviously managed to stay aboard and made a spectacular landfall.) So, if you don’t own one of those cabins on steroids, you have to find the closest, notoriously tiny stretch of public beach that you will share with many other landless swimmers and hopefully just a few brain-eating amoeba.
Minnesotans, I learned, not only like to go to their 10,000 lakes but also to their one and only state fair. No need to fear invisible brain eaters there, you’ll know when you come close to an animal whether it’s one with a ticket or without. The most visceral animal encounter I’ve had so far was a visit to the “The Miracle of Birth” tent. The picture that will stay with me is one of a monstrous pig in labor, about to give birth to a breathtaking number of piglets and surrounded by thrill-seeking fair visitors, many of which are looking no less pregnant. However, placed in the pen next to that poor sow, all they’d give birth too would be a boatload of Sweet Martha’s Cookies. And for those fair goers who need spiritual comfort and forgiveness after wrecking the privacy of birth-giving pigs, there is a booth right next door run by born-again Christian missionaries. They can answer any questions about the miracle of rebirth.
When it comes to piety, America clearly hits the ball out of the parish. In a recent survey, most Western European countries reported daily praying as a habit for just 10% or less of their citizens. Americans were the true outliers and scored a whopping 55%. There wasn’t a state-by-state breakdown, but I’m guessing Minnesota was above average (just like all the children in Lake Wobegon).
If Pastor Ingqvist took a delegation from the Lake Wobegon Lutheran Church on a field trip to Europe today, they’d be shocked to see that empty churches have been turned into hotels, apartment buildings and gyms. Yes, gyms — with very tall climbing walls. They go great with Gothic architecture and soaring ceilings. Two months ago, a small town in Belgium even put an ice rink into a decommissioned 18th century church. Which means that in Sint-Truiden in the province of Limburg, skaters are drawing their circles under the benevolent gaze of saints whose statues are still mounted at the church walls. Churches to ice rinks? I have the feeling the Belgian way of spiritual life might actually find some fans in Minnesota.
Henning Schroeder is a professor at the University of Minnesota and currently teaches in the Department of German, Nordic, Slavic & Dutch. His email address is schro601@umn.edu and his Twitter (X) handle is @HenningSchroed1.
An earlier version of this article appeared in MinnPost.
